I wrote this a few days ago, but didn’t feel like it was really true. So I didn’t post it. Mostly I am just focusing on the moment. Anyhow…
“I don’t believe anything that you wrote. You are not saying you want to divorce me because you want to protect me. It just sounds nicer when you say that you are doing it for me. Maybe you don’t really like me. Maybe you want to be free because you want to be free. I don’t know. I’ve always been baffled by you. That’s part of why I am interested in you. I’m not going to beg for anything from you. If you don’t want to be with me then you don’t want to be with me. Begging wouldn’t fix anything. So fine. I like living alone too. I’m more productive without all the massive worry that I have felt for so long. I’m lonely, but that’s just a feeling like being cold, warm, hungry, tired. A person can live with these things without much long-lasting harm. They are just tiny annoyances.
I still like reading all the crazy things you write. I mean crazy in the good way. You have interesting perspectives. That’s mostly what I was crying about. I feel real sadness because I will never meet anyone like you again. I must not have shown it enough, but I am really fascinated by you. I feel like the sun has gone out. The sun is something everyone expects to always be there. It would be a real shock for it to just be gone one day. Then the world would freeze solid and we would be like any other dead world. That’s how I feel.
There’s no need to comment and tell me how wonderful being divorced is going to be.”
Like I wrote, that was a few days ago. Now I think: Yeah, whatever. I’ll do fine on my own.
Just keep writing, just keep writing.