I still don’t know what to think about everything that we talked about. I know that we never had a chance. There was just too much intensity between us. You say that you needed me to cry in order to get you to stop. I say that the sole defining element of my character is to be in defiance. Resist everything. Resist being made to cry.
Maybe you are right. Maybe we will be better friends. I’ll always love you even though you have made me feel more alone and more afraid than any other person. What horrible plans to you have for me know?
When I look back over the 12 years that we have been together, my main memories are all of the abusive incidents in our history. “The Terror Drive from Las Vegas,” always comes to mind. Nobody else on the planet would have sat in that car with you for four hours and endured that kind of abuse and not left you immediately upon finally getting back to safety. I remember thinking, I am just waiting to get back home. All I want to do is get home. “TELL ME ALL THE REASONS THAT YOU LOVE ME!! I WANT YOU TO LIST THEM.” I couldn’t think of a single reason. Why did I love you? Why do I love you? I had no idea. My mind was blank. I was just watching the speedometer breach the speed limit and hoped that you did not lose your control of the car and crash us into the desert landscape in the middle of the cool, desert night.
The part you do not know is that Las Vegas incident is actually the one that brought us to this point today. I sat in the car listening to you scream at me, listening to you telling me what kind of an absolute, waste of human existence that I am while hanging on to the thread of thought, “As soon as we get to California, I am going to leave you”.
It took a few months to come up with the courage. It always takes me forever to pick a path. Finally, I decided that I was going to go. I sold the truck, bought a plane ticket and left without saying goodbye. What a cruel thing to do! To just get into the rental car and drive away without a word, a hug, a passionate kiss, some promises. You want me to cry to break you out of your mania. The only tears that I have are those of continual loss. How is it that I can love you so much, yet leave without saying goodbye? Was I afraid that I would not have the courage to leave? Was it something else?
Whatever it was, leaving in such a fashion is what pushed you into the arms of another. It was such a cruel thing for me to do to you, you ended up having an affair to ease your sadness. And it was the affair that gave me the strength to decide that I did not care whether or not we stay together. It was an escape. I do not want to have another incident.
Am I surprised that you say that you want a divorce and that you say that you could feel that I want one too? No, not really. I love you dearly. I think you are the absolutely, most amazing person. Yet, I can’t handle the abuse anymore. Is it your abuse or my abuse. Who is the abuser here. Should I call it the self-perpetuating abuse that partially stems from your need to be understood and my refusal to understand. Does leaving you alone not leave emotional scars. Is moving to a country that you hate and staying here no matter what you say to get me to leave an act of violence — the coward’s way to end a relationship?
I could fix this problem right now by packing up my things and getting on a plane. I don’t need alcohol, so you would not have to worry about have bottles of vodka lying around to tempt you into the crazies. Yet, I can’t do that. Amerikkka is the death of me. Living there is like living in hell. Yes, Germany is tough too, but it is the kind of tough that makes a person stronger. I am more alive living in a world where I have to struggle. A world where being able to ask for directions is not to be taken for granted. I like living in a world where English is not spoken. I like the perpetual isolation.
That’s exactly why you hate it too. The isolation is too heavy.
I am sorry about everything. I am sorry about not being brave enough to ask you for a divorce 5 years ago. I am really sorry for isolating you, making you feel sadness and despair, for driving you over the edge of sanity, so that I would be brave enough to leave you. You deserved somebody who understood you more, somebody who knew how to catch you and pull you out of the darkness. I was not that person. I only made the darkness that you found yourself in worse.
That’s kind of it. I feel like I have driven you crazy by not loving you enough. If I would have been more loving and caring, you would not have lost your grip and called everyone I know 100,000 times in the middle of the night for a week straight. The incident that caused you to decide that you would rather divorce me than be with me.
I don’t really think it is your fault alone. I can’t believe that we are so weak that we can’t find a way to overcome our problems. In a world where children are dying horrible death by the thousands each day, are there not greater problems than our petty little grudges?
Those are my thoughts after not sleeping very much.